was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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