he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
