Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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