You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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