When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
