Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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