He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
