Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dick very happy bro
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
