Don't make out with my wife yet
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
