just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
