Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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