In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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