If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
