he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
