So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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