I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
