weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
