The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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