really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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