mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
