Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
