Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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