You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
