Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
