What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I love you. Go after that dick
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
