Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
