i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
