Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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