dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Couch. On fire.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
