I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
