my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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