I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
