So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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