So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
