I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
