i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
