Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
