I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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