M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
