You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
