Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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