I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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