So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
