you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
