Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
