Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
