Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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