Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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