my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
