I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
